working

i stare at my calloused fingertips
i bite nervousy at my guitar pic
my eyelids flutter
from lack of sleep
i stare up at the clouds
peering through the layered tree branches
and wonder why i do this

i am lying on my back
facing the sun, hearing the strum
of blind chords as they play
my hands are unconscious
and my mind has run away

a few figures dance through my mind
images transform and then i
wish i could convey what i now know
i wish it so....

i dotn write to make you happy
i dont sing to let you go
i dont pretend that my
identity is somethign that i want everyone to know
and i am not afraid
to be a martyr
for something that i
can only sing
i am not ashamed to
be a bother
my voice is my only offering

please define
ordinary
you try to describe me but you fail
so miserably
and i cant stop laughing
because we all have dreams we've buried
most of us dont dare to
live each day
each minute
independent from our whole life
we prefer to choose an occupation
that offeres minimal chance of strife
don't try to pretend that you aren't
guilty of this too
there are only a select few
who really love the thing they do
my single goal is to
find the such thing that
i love and then pursue it
and then even if i fail
i can say well at least it was worth it

silence

night falls
you call me
i breathe too loudly

i awake
and dream some more
about how i could feel proud
of my mistakes

how can i feel proud?
how can i feel brave?
when ive done nothing short from
hiding my face in a crowd
that i dont even know its name

i am restless
i stand up on a balcony
i feel weightless
i stare up at the patterned trees

how can i feel proud?
how can i feel brave?
when ive done nothing short from
hiding my face in a crowd
that i dont even know its name

i stare into your eyes
and know you can see through mine
it scares me more
than it scares you

sometimes i forget we are two different people
and i shoudlnt compare myself to you

one thing ive learned is that
we are too hard on ourselves
we need to give eachother a little room
if you try to meet the world's standards
you'll fall short of your own
just act, and act for you

how can i feel proud of what i write
how can i feel like im doing somethign with my life
how can i call myself an artist
when im too scared to part with this silence

fishtank

life is what we make of it
glass refracting watery skies
and if we are fish with gills straining for air
we need an excuse to name these tides

and maybe this tiny fishook lies
just inside of our grasp
and maybe you are something i know
better than i know myself
and you might just be the rope
keeping me tethered to this hope
of treading water till i float
till the current pulls me wide

and this shell that's anchored shut
from years of reason and luck enough
to keep us from ever really thinking
about whats been hidden for years
under the surface, bound by fears

i can see you watchign me
as if there is a pane of glass between us
maybe it is just an image
of what we've defined reality to be

or maybe you are a shadow
of what i like to dream when im asleap
and maybe someday i'll tell you this
sometime when im not so weak

will you ever stumble upon this coral
reef that i dwell upon in sorrow
that i hide my heartache's borrowed
from those who've gone before me-
its the same old story

maybe the future lies
just behind the glass
and we're too lazy to
move our eyes to below the
paragraph we're stuck in
time doesnt wait for us to
regain our balance
so why do we continue to stand
mute and hands untied

and maybe this tiny fishook lies
just inside of our grasp
and maybe you are something i know
better than i know myself
and you might just be the rope
keeping me tethered to this hope
of treading water till i float
till the current pulls me wide

growing

i try not to think of you
and your disapearance
you planned it so well
you thought i'd buy it
well you dont know
how much i despise it
you should know this

you remind me of a
plant i once grew
i tended it
carefully each day
and then i woke one day
and saw to my dismay that
it had been uprooted

a cheerful sun glares
down on my face
it illuminates
all this empty space
i try to fill it
but it grows sideways
and widens more
it widens more

i am living with
the reality
that life is not
you with me
i dont know who
will dance through my dreams
i am deeply
introspecting
digging to find
remants of my being

i wonder

i wonder what you'd think of me
if i told you that this song isnt really about you
and i know excactally how you'd look at me
like a wary cat stares at a bowl of water

how long have i been standing here face against the glass
hand on the doorknob
i'm sitting on the well-lit front porch
playign my guitar; i can't sing along

and all i can hear
is the noise and the breeze upon my face
the expanse of sky; i can barely breathe
i'm choking, i'm flying, i can't feel my eyes
i've never felt so free

i wonder what you'd think of me
if i picked up my guitar and played an angry song
yes i anticpate your stare of incredulity
you don't believe that i've been insightful, all along

i just want to play until the strings break
or at least until you start to see me
it shoudlnt make any difference what assumptions you take
becuase my intention was never to deceive

and i'm the first to admit when i am wrong
and i'm not afraid of failing miserably
but i've lived with a timid voice for so long
that i've overshadowed my own insecurity

and i just want to play until the strings break
or until you start to notice me
it really shouldn't make any difference what assuptions you take
becuase my intention was never to deceive

yes, i wonder what you think of me

worthy

you wallow in your puddle of self righteousness
and i just stand back and watch
as everything i sing about
gets covered by your ignorance
and i just let my resentment grow
and i try not to show
how much i regret all this

as i listen to you i have to fight the rising shame
you cant get much more foolish than i was then
i was so taken in by each colloquialism and empty embrace
the worst part is i thought you werent pretending

now i have stepped out of that tiny snow globe
that you had built for me to sit in
those fake soap flakes and tiny heartaches just
made me take more shelter in the small
house of painted plastic i would just sit outside
in the cold of my slowly forming resolution
you seem to think i like this mold
but i wasnt happy- and you know i never was
and forgivess is nice and all
but you're really not worth that much

after i had shattered this glass bubble
i could finally see this place i had not seen
and after goodbyes were said and done
you let some stupid words fly out thoughtlessly
and didnt bother apologizing for the damage you had done

and i just cant forgive you for all the
empty things you call memories
and when you call me now and expect me to want to talk
i hang up everytime, and if you thought about it you'd know
hey- it's a sign

and forgivness is nice
but you werent nice at all
so why am i indebted to you now
after all the suprises you sprung on me
i think i want to keep my dignity

changing lanes

for so long
you were all i breathed
how coudl i survive
without you i could not see
but forced deprivation
called my senses back to me
and now we;ve traded places
and youre where i used to be

for some reason
the importance of illusion ceases to be
we live for the moment
we dont care if our eyes are
sheltered behind a screen
yes i live for today
but i also live for me
its hard to believe in our
product consumed
society

i still want you , love you,
and i know you still want to be
beside me,
but ive lost the dependence
and irresponsiblity
what does this mean
this changing lanes
cutting corners, speeding through
we never slow down
until we crash
and then we see the truth
the scenery becomes a blur
and we define our world
by this view

im not afraid of numbers
but of the machines that made them
but we made machines-
so should i be afraid of you then
and i love the feeling
of speeding through my highway
of open space
i might like to flirt with disaster
but i take for granted
that you'll be there afterwards

i still want you , love you,
and i know you still want to be
beside me,
but ive lost the dependence
and irresponsiblity
what does this mean
this changing lanes
cutting corners, speeding through
we never slow down
until we crash
and then we see the truth
the scenery becomes a blur
and we define our world
by this view

suprise

i don't mind fighting
if i can see the enemy
at least give that much to me
and i don't care if i have competition
i'll paint you a definition
to show you what to make of me

and i will bare my hands and grit my teeth
and throw myself in
i'm feeling up to this chase
and even if i trip over the skid marks
planted in your place
you don't take up that much space

i like this challenge you've sprung on me
just please give it a name
so i have something to yell at your back
as you pretend to believe that nothing has changed

and i will run as fast as i can
and feel my heart beat
crying so fast
until i come to that fork in the road
and i'll pick one- and hope you
ran out of gas
and i will blink and see you flying past

i like this challenge you've sprung on me
just please give it a name
so i have something to yell at your back
as you pretend to believe that nothing has changed

i don't fear defeat
as long as i can laugh and say i saw it coming
because what would really break me is
if all of this were a suprise
at least then i can claim i put up a good fight
and then defeat would be justified

ice fishing

maybe i am a little too easily persuaded
maybe i am the kind of girl who can be happy
ive spent some long moments pondering why
people do what they do
and pretend as though each careless act
didnt really matter

well im telling you that everything matters

and you may stare at me and
attept to disillusion me
with words i've already sung
and well im sorry but this singing girl
isnt that weak or that dumb

if i am labeled as indecisive
it is a shame compassion must be thus renamed
'observing the effects of ones statements
must only merit more blame'..

heigth is needed to have enough perspective to fight
if i am battered too much i will gradually fall
i realize that i will never be taken seriously unless
i continuously stand out for no real reason at all

well maybe thats what im doing with this song

i may not always have the perfect words
to slice through the next great obstacle
but i'd rather fish in a frozen pond than just
sit calloused with boredom
so for lack of a better solution
i attempt to write something
and maybe one day it will unintentionally do something

thirteen *unrecorded*

i try to read you like a pirate reads a map
but i'm feeling a little lost in your history
i'm dangling upside-down
confused by the compass inside of me

i try to meet you like a friend or something more
but you don't seem to know that i exist
i try to read your skin like the map i've built
lately i think you've constructed me- like this

*and why do we love to act like we're thirteen years old
and make faces at eachother from a safe distance
why do i cherish the notion that i want to be your sight
when you are ignorant to my existence

funny thing is- your name doesnt ring clear to me
it's just by default- i think- that i am writing about you
i'm not trying to feed your ego,
i'm just trying to give you a clue
of what i mean to you

i'm gonna say this once, you'd better hear it
cause my voice is aching and my optimism is choking too
i feel so transient, and thats why you think i'm clinging
just know that i am not really that dependent on you

statue *unrecorded*

you say i call you at least a hundred times a day
and say you dont like me that way
and you offer me a vague expression
as your explanation for why you treat me this way

a brief apology for each careless word
is all you think you need to say
well let me assure you, i'm listening
but you might be suprised at how youve made me feel, and i'll say

is this what you have reduced me down to-
tiny pockets of what i used to choose
is this what i have reduced you to?
i let you go as soon as i felt used

you think im some resilient statute
you are pygmalion, you say im just someone that happened to you
i was on a pedestal, now i'm cut out of view
i dont think its fair that this is something you can do

is this what you have reduced me down to-
tiny pockets of what i used to choose
is this what i have reduced you to?
i let you go as soon as i felt used

i feel like i am your little leaf, frozen in the fall
im alone and stark against a bright background
i want to paint my scenery, you want to breathe for me
how can you love someone who is exactally who you want them to be?